Can you hear me?

Joy.

estarcho — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 07:18:14 +0000

Encouraging people and seeing the joy in others makes me happy.

.

estarcho — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:08:56 +0000

Look around.

.

estarcho — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:12:18 +0000

Rant.

estarcho — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 04:57:05 +0000

Call me a hypocrite. I accuse people of doing the things I do all the time.

I accuse people of not being personal and not reaching out to others and not trying to make the church united yet here I am doing the same thing.

I know.

I should reach out to people first if I have issues instead of waiting for someone to reach out to me.

I know.

I have no right to be mad since I’m not being reasonable.

I know.

Go ahead, judge me.

But tell me.. Is it that bad? Is it so horridly terrible that I want to feel like someone cares?

Is that so freaking bad?

Here I am at my breaking point and you tell me to stop being a hypocrite.

Disappointment. To the max.

Back at square one.

////

estarcho — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 02:27:13 +0000

I’m a quitter.

Untitled.

estarcho — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 01:48:23 +0000

I subconsciously pray to God.

I sing praise songs in the car.

I’m OK with the idea of christianity.

As soon as I step foot into church, I can’t pray and I can’t sing.

All I can think about is ditching. Or leaving. Or what I’m going to do after service.

Why?

No peace.

estarcho — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 04:06:17 +0000

In business class, I learned about the 5 why’s. Apparently, if you ask “why” 5 times, you’ll find the root to your problems. I’ve thought about asking myself ”why” to figure out the roots to my problems.

But then, I stopped. I don’t want to ask myself “why”. I’m scared that my answer will be “because you’re just asking for attention” or “because you’re being stupid”.

I’m afraid that what I’m feeling now is really nothing.

Is it really nothing? If so, why does it feel like it’s not nothing?

On a side note:

My teacher asked me why I don’t want to go to the UW and sarcastically asked “Because you want to get away from here?”

I said that it was because I knew a lot of people that would be going there and therefore would be too hard to focus in an environment that will probably distract me.

But is that really why?

I don’t know.

Grr.

I want peace. I need peace in my heart.

Asdfghjkl;’

High expectations

estarcho — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 05:08:06 +0000

I keep forgetting to remind myself that the church isn’t perfect.

I need to lower my expectations.

The church isn’t perfect. And neither are people.

Challenge yourself, church.

estarcho — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 05:53:21 +0000

Dear church,
I challenge you to sit in the back of the youth room, by yourself or with people you’re not comfortable with/people you barely know.
If you decide to take on this challenge… You’ll notice that you feel lonely.
You’ll notice that your friends/people you know will see you sitting by yourself but not acknowledge.
You’ll notice that your friends/people you know won’t get up to sit next to you.
You’ll notice that the won’t invite you over to sit next to them.
They won’t even wave.

If you decide to take this challenge..
You’ll notice how segregated the church is.
You’ll notice how many people sit by themselves.
You’ll notice how the atmosphere is different in the back than how it is in the front.

If you decide to take this challenge..
You’ll realize how the church welcomes new comers on the day they come, then forget about them the next week.
You’ll notice that the person that you sat next to you has been coming to the church for weeks but you don’t even know their name.

I’ve already done this challenge. My next challenge is to get to know everyone at our youth. Or at least sit next to them once and have some small talk.

What’s your challenge?

I felt the need to blog.

estarcho — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 05:14:01 +0000

Dear church,
Why do you help those who are strong in their faith but not those who are falling?
Why do you acknowledge the fact that someone is struggling but don’t confront them or try to help them?
Why do you put fun in front of helping loved ones?

I mean.. Really? You know that one person feels lost in their faith. You know that one person is depressed. You know that one person hates religion and church. You know this.. But why don’t you do anything about it?

Dear church,
I love each and every person in our youth dearly. But can we start acting like a church? Church isn’t all about fun and games. It’s not just about trying to find out what to do after church. It’s a place for fellowship. A place to worship God with those around you. To experience life with those around you. So tell me church, why is it that you surround yourself with only yourself and don’t see outside your bubble?

Dear church,
I find you illogical. I don’t want to go to church if it’s only just another place to be judged, a place to be misunderstood. I don’t want it to be another place where I mask myself. I don’t want it to be like any other regular place. I want it to be my sanctuary. But unfortunately it’s not. It’s not a place where I can freely be myself, it’s not a place where I can go to people when I am in need. It’s not a place where I can go when I struggle in my faith.
It’s not.

Dear church,
I’m isolating myself from you. I don’t want to be a part of it.

Dear church,
I quit.

But you don’t know that.